“The War Wagon”

The first thing about the 1967 John Wayne/Kirk Douglas vehicle The War Wagon (yes, that pun was intentional, thank you) is that it has one of the most lovable theme song in movie history. 

The tune is catchy and Ed Ames' voice is warm as can be, which would already make it great, but what makes it so marvelous is that the lyrics are simply the corniest stuff ever — and proud to be. This is a story about the robbery of a wagon full of gold whose theme song's chorus goes “Those men are fighting for a wagon full of gold… Yes, biting and scratching for a WA-GON FULL O'GOOOOLD!”, a movie about a rogue's get-rich-quick plan going awry whose theme song, sung from said character's perspective, proclaims: “Three years in prison made me dream a lotta dreams… Sometimes the dream isn't as easy as it seems!”. And good God I love it. 

But why should I keep prattling about it? You have a listen.

Of course, I wouldn't be writing this review in the way I am if you could get the same experience of the good parts of The War Wagon from a YouTube music video. The movie itself is quite good too, and not just because of Dimitri Tiomkin's soundtrack, though that certainly is a factor. 

Now, the plot concerns former rancher turned ex-convict Taw Jackson returning to his home town to find that the man who sent him to jail on partially-trumped-up charges has taken over his land and is getting rich off a gold mine there. Seeing no other way to get his property back, Jackson gets a gang of rogues together to rob the titular War Wagon, the fearsome armored contraption aboard which the villain, Bruce Cabot's Frank Pierce, has his gold transported. Jackson's plan is… never actually made altogether clear but I gather that he intends to use the gold to get his ranch back in some fashion. At any rate, the real hook of the story, beyond its status as a bog-standard heist flick In The Wild West, is that one of the people Wayne's character is forced to partner up with is Lomax, Kirk Douglas's character. 

Of course, the giddy joy of it is that there is never any doubt that the real story is two of the biggest western movie stars being forced to share top billing. Neither of the characters is entirely virtuous or villainous, so the movie teeters on who's going to come out on top; and for complicated plot reasons Douglas's character spends the entire movie debating whether she should partner up with Wayne's or just shoot him. Feeeel the metaestheticism coursing through your veins! Feel it!

Ostensibly "the question" in such a confrontation or crossover-that-isn't-one (and let's face it, John Wayne  in "Far West shootist" mode was,  for most of his career, basically equivalent to Maciste, Blackadder: a single fictional character whom you followed from movie to movie even though he may have a different name and backstory each time; one could, for that matter, argue that Argus McSwine is born of the same mould — so yes, John Wayne Meets Kirk Douglas is very much a "crossover", complete with the usual "they fight then they team up" tradition) is who wins it. It's not the most interesting question, in my opinion. But it is a question, worth addressing if only because everyone, especially the marketing, and up to and including the movie itself, gets it wrong. 

The thing is that in my opinion it is unquestionably Kirk Douglas who wins, is the thing, as far as charisma goes. I love me some John Wayne, but he's not on top form in this particular flick, I think. He has his moment — doesn't he always? — but compared to the sheer vitality of the likably smug rogue played by Douglas, Wayne looks… tired. Underwhelming. 

Yet if you look at the DVD cover and the like, The War Wagon appears to be a John Wayne feature first and a Kirk Douglas feature second; and, of course, the script allows Wayne the last word and the last laugh via the admittedly-hilarious sequence of… well, I won't spoil it here. If anyone's curious, ask me in the comments — but consequently, spoilerphobes beware in said comment section.

The movie is at its best and most vital when Wayne and Douglas are bantering; the rest of the gang are somewhat less interesting, especially Wes Fletcher (Keenan Wynn), who is nothing but an uninteresting walking archetype snarling his way through the picture; even his inevitable betrayal of the good guys is very, very underwhelming. I quite like Howard Keel's cynical Levi Walking Bear, at least, with the usual "couldn't vintage Westerns ever bother to cast actual Native Americans as Native American characters?" caveat. 

As for the plot… the War Wagon itself is a marvelous hook (and a marvelous design), and I am told that casting John Wayne as a robber for once was also intended to be one of this specific film's alluring quirks, though really, if Roger Ebert said, as the Wikipedia page for this film says he did, that the film sees Wayne “play a bad guy for just about the first time in his career”, I don't know what movie he was watching. Taw Jackson breaks the law, sure, but it's all cast in light of that ever-popular John Wayne trope, “I Want My Ranch, That I Built With My Own Two Hands, Back, Please” — more of an empty excuse than ever when the movie doesn't even bother to clarify if, and how, he's going to get it back at the end of the film. It just goes without saying that he will. 

The War Wagon, all in all, is not a perfect film, but it is a hella-entertaining, and occasionally very funny one. I quite recommend it if you like westerns who know how to sell unironically exciting adventure without forgetting to keep a good sense of camp.

Post-Scriptum:

• Taw Jackson. "Taw." Bit of an odd name, isn't it? But then, I suppose so's "Lomax" (who I'm just now realizing is also denied a first name altogether).

• I don't want to be too specific about the ending, but it's a bit Treasure of the Sierra Madre, isn't it? Or Don Rosa's Treasure of the Ten Avatars, if you will.

• I didn't mean for this to be the Christmas review; it's hardly seasonally-appropriate, I know. But I got delayed. Whatever. Merry Christmas and all that!